OccupyVictoria - Why I walked away

I am still a firm believer that change needs to be made; that the financial inequality in our system should no longer be tolerated and steps need to be made to fix this issue. However I no longer can support the efforts of some of the occupiers in Victoria who are engaged in a battle with the City of Victoria.

One of the first things that impressed me with the People's Association of Victoria was what appeared to be an effort to minimize the costs of the protest on the taxpayers. But by fighting for their right of freedom to associate in the face of a by-law preventing tents to be erected during the day they have created not only a burden on the taxpayers but also a burden on an already overloaded court system as they force the City of Victoria to obtain a court injunction to have them removed.

The issue is that in Victoria there is a no camping by-law that restricts the tents from remaining erect during the day. The obvious solution would be to simply take the tents down during the day and only have them up when it's lawful to do so. The argument against doing just that is that the public may become unaware that the protest is continuing? Hmm, how about take the energy currently being used to fight the battle to remain in Centennial Square and move closer to demands or possibly?

It truly baffles me that many of the occupiers fighting to remain at Centennial Square fail to see that just as the City of Victoria has to balance their interests with the interests of the general public, they too have a responsibility to balance their rights with the rights of the general public - whom they claim to be acting on behalf of.

Specifically I'm referring to a conversation I was privy to after the City Council meeting where an amended motion passed in support of OccupyVictoria. While some people would accept this as the City's way of saying we will continue to work with you to create change. However some felt this was little more than political cache.

Personally I would be upset as a taxpayer if the motion passed unamended and my tax dollars went to fund a protest through supplying water and electricity to protestors. Keep in mind that I personally support the specific protest involved. Protestors should be funding their own efforts which when push came to shove they actually figured out how to generate their own electricity rather than steal it from the CRD.

All things considered, there are some highly intelligent and creative individuals who are working to educate others and hope to figure out how to change our failing system. I believe these select few of OccupyVictoria will succeed if they don't burn out. Unfortunately the good that has been done - the building of community and feeding hundreds of people through food donations - has been grossly overlooked. This is partly because the media seems to feed on the negative and OccupyVictoria's inability to get the positive messages out.

It is interesting to me that the instigators of this whole movement, Adbusters, are now suggesting a declaration of victory and retreat into warmth over the winter. Check out their Tactical Briefing #18.

While I may have walked away from OccupyVictoria I have not walked away from being more involved in the political system around me. I intend to continue my quest of learning what decisions are being made for me and voicing my concern publicly to those who have the power to make a difference. I'm even seriously contemplating the possibility of throwing my hat into the political ring so that my voice might represent the dissatisfied public.

Crazy Fort time

OccupyVictoria - Critical Times

As I sit here and right this I’m frustrated and anxious. Frustrated that people still don’t understand the occupy movement. Anxious because tonight Victoria City Council will move to vote on whether OccupyVictoria can remain at Centennial Square.

The fact that many don’t understand is partly due to the media’s negative attention to the movement and partly because of incorrect stereotypes of protestors.  The media wants people to believe that the movement has no message.  They also want the public to believe we’re disorganized and contradictory.  While a certain amount of disorganization may be present it is mostly due to the fact that few people are doing a vast amount of work in order to make this more than just another protest in Victoria.

There are MANY different people from different walks of life joining together because they are tired with the way our economic and political system continues to fail them.  The contradictions come from the various reasons why people have banned together.  Some are fighting for social injustices, some for more transparent government and others for economical reform.  Amazingly enough, it all ends up boiling down to the fact that 1% of has 50% of the wealth.

What’s truly unfortunate is that far too many people are still ignoring the issue, wishing it would go away.  These are the same people who are stereotyping the people the protestors as a bunch of hippies or homeless people.  What they fail to realize, partly from ignorance and never actually seeing the protestors, is that many of the occupiers have jobs that they go to during the day and camp at night.  Yes some of them may actually be homeless but that doesn’t mean that they don’t understand the issues of a failing system.  Last time I checked homeless people still counted as human beings and therefore are part of the 99% the movement is trying to support.

No matter what happens tonight at the city council meeting it can never change the passion that has been ignited in many people and can never strip away the reality that the first time in my life people are avidly talking politics without a provincial or federal election looming overhead.  And for a generation said to be increasingly apathetic to politics I think THAT is a significant win for OccupyVictoria.

Call out the Ringers - OccupyVictoria

As someone who has supported the Green Party in the past, and a resident of Saanich, the first politician I contacted was Elizabeth May. I wanted to get the Green Party's position on the Occupy movement. While I wasn't shocked that the party was in support of the movement I was shocked that they issued a press release on October 7th. To me this is significant for a few reasons. The global day for action was set for October 15th. OccupyVictoria rally, march and occupation took place on October 15th. Elizabeth May's riding is Saanich/Gulf Islands. For those not familiar with Greater Victoria geography, Saanich is the municipality immediately adjacent to the municipality of Victoria. The Gulf Islands are just off the coast of Vancouver Island.

In a twitter discussion with @ElizabethMay it was suggested that we call out the politicians into the open. Therefore I tweeted a request to Harper along with the Liberal Party and NDP. To date I have not had a response despite the tweet to Harper being continually retweeted. I have also not been able to find a press release on any of their websites. I will continue to "call out the ringers" such as the politicians who supposedly represent me in Parliament and the Legislature.

I didn't vote for Harper. I don't like Harper. From what I've seen in the media, he's not listening to anyone now that he has a majority government.

Part of the problem, in my opinion, is that there is not enough discussion between citizens and politicians. Partly due to not enough hours in the day to make decisions in parliament/legislature AND have ongoing discussions. Also partly due to a growing sentiment that our politicians are not really listening any way leaving people more and more reluctant to even try. We can email, write letters, and yell at the top of our lungs but if the politicians are not LISTENING it's all for nothing.

So for anyone reading this blog who feels an issue has been ignored by their politicians I say become their worst nightmare. Be relentless. Keep asking your questions until you get answers. If you don't like what your politician has to say gather friends, acquaintances anyone sharing the same opinion and become louder. Occupy isn't just about physical occupation, it's about a call to action to make the change that the current political system is not allowing for.

CALL OUT THE RINGERS

OccupyVictoria - VIHippieChick's account (Part 2)

I'll do my best to recap my experience of Day 3 and 4 of OccupyVictoria. It's been a busy time and a bit overwhelming as well. To start I want to just recap some of the highlights of the past couple days.

Day 3

• Mayor Dean Fortin came down and visited OccupyVictoria and chatted with campers.
• Victoria Police stated in a press release they are " trying to strike a balance between people's right to protest and the local by-law"

Day 4

• Camosun College Student Society (CCSSLocal75) supports OccupyVictoria

Here are some photos of the signs down at Centennial Square. They pretty much speak for themselves. These are some of the individual messages that are being delivered.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Truly this whole experience for me is overwhelming. I love to help however I can but am torn between the needs of the movement and my personal limitations. Honestly I have been debating all day about stepping away from the Process work group due to the time demand such a role takes. The participants in this group are either in planning meetings or facilitating the general assemblies six days a week. Many of us either work full time or go to school. Some of us are mothers. The mutual dedication to this aspect of the movement was demonstrated by a very smooth flowing meeting tonight.

When I'm not in a Process meeting or General Assembly or working I am watching the media. Trying to stay on top of what's being said, who wants more info and helping to bridge communication between the online world and the campers who have extremely limited access to online media.

However, despite all the demands of my time I have managed to meet a growing number of the campers. They are from all walks of life, all ages, families, a really vast community. Occupying to them is a starting point, they want people to visit, to discuss, to share ideas, to brainstorm new ideas on how we can make a difference. As one camper said, "Just start by introducing yourself."

So today I did. On my lunch I went down, chatted with a couple people I had already met and also introduced myself to a few more. In the evening it was a bit easier to meet people as many were drawn to me by my lovely side kick known as B (a very energetic 3 year old).

But it was during the General Assembly tonight that something really struck a cord with me. We had a bit of an ice breaker/team building type exercise and discussed what we want to see come out of OccupyVictoria and one person in my group said "The ability to talk to one's neighbour." Something so simple. Something that shouldn't need a protest to start. Something lost so long ago but is tangible to reclaim. While I do talk with some of my neighbours, the ones I do know, the ones in the houses next door, have made the last year of my life wonderful. I know I'm blessed by to have relationships with my neighbours, now I know I'm not alone in having wanted this for so long.

The mentality of community and ability to simply walk up to one another, say "Hi, my name is..." needs to be reclaimed. If we all knew each other better, maybe we would be more tolerant of each other simply because we understood each other better.

The need and desire for community is why I get overly emotional about this movement. And why, believe it or not, I'm often lost for words and feel far from eloquent in my feeble attempts at trying to share my experience with you.

OccupyVictoria - VIHippieChick's account (Part 1)

Yesterday I joined the Occupy movement. I admit that I'm late joining as the People's Assembly of Victoria came to life over two weeks ago but October 15th was only the beginning of what's to come. I hope to help spread the word that the movement is more than just camping and the opportunity to participate is ongoing.

I joined the march on October 15th and listened at the assembly in Centennial Square because I believe that a collective voice is louder than an individual. The current political system is failing the majority. My continued involvement is because I realize that this is not a fad and the main message from the global Occupy movement is inequality.

I'm not camping but I support those who can and are. Quite honestly I'm very much torn but personal circumstances, including not actually owning a tent, make camping difficult for me. I hope to talk more with the campers over the next couple days and share their stories as to why they are camping. What I am doing is participating in the Process working group and the Media working group.

First off - what is a working group? These are smaller groups of people who have a strong interest in specific parts of the OccupyVictoria movement. There is one for food, a safe place, tech, media, process, logistics, etc. These groups facilitate concentrated discussion on their related topics from which proposals to the general assembly are put forward. Anyone can join the discussion and the working groups have been asked to set a regular schedule of their meetings to help people plan to attend.

The Process working group's main purpose is to establish an agenda for the general assemblies and to facilitate and conduct the general assemblies keeping with the process of consensus. This was a real eye opener for me. While I've sat on various boards I am use to a majority rule. Robert's Rule of Order has prevailed. With consensus everyone has to agree. How this transpires in meetings (whether it be a working group or the general assembly) is a proposal is made by any member; clarifying questions are asked; discussion is had and a consensus is sought. Those participating can either agree, abstain or block the proposal. If there is a block the block is explained; further discussion is had and a call for consensus is again sought. This continues until there is no block. A topic can be tabled to either later on in the meeting; until the next meeting. If tabled until the next general assembly the proposal can go to the relevant working group, if any, and more concentrated discussion had for an amended proposal or new proposal. While the process produces a unanimous agreement it sometimes takes awhile to get to the agreement.

Some people questioned why there is a need for a process working group and the answer, in my opinion, is simple - there needs to be some sort of order to aid everyone in working together. Otherwise we'll all try to speak at the same time and no one will be heard. 

The start of the October 16th general assembly demonstrated that. A proposal was put forward to open an account with a credit union to keep the cash donations received in a safe place. Questions non-related to the proposal were raised and despite advising those concerns would be addressed later on in the meeting, the whole discussion went off topic awhile. Once the process was accepted and adhered to by all participating the meeting started to flow again.

The media working group currently is trying to liaise with media requests for interviews. We work together to respond to requests and schedule an interview with a member from the People's Assembly of Victoria. May sound simple but so far those of us in the Media working group all have other commitments such as school and jobs which make it a challenge to respond to these often time sensitive requests. As the movement evolves I imagine the role of the media working group will evolve as well.

So that's a little bit about my experience on Day 2 of OccupyVictoria. I hope to share my perspective daily. If you want to help OccupyVictoria please check out paov.ca for updates from the various working groups. Also stay tuned to my blog as I will continue to share my experience with OccupyVictoria.

From Crazy Talk to Reality

A few weeks ago me and three of my single mom tweeps fantasized about a life where all four of us lived under one roof and could assist each other in raising all the children between us. The Single Parent Co-operative. For days afterwards I couldn't let go of the idea. There has to be a way that single parents can ban together to help each other not just get out every now and then but to be there during the emergencies; supporting each other in the good and bad.

There is....start smaller. I broke down the concept into two phases - child care and housing. Then I added a phase - programming for the kids such as sports or music. But to get started I needed money.

Then I saw a tweet from another tweep (incidentally another single mom) about The Awesome Shit Club. A group of people that raise money, accept submissions of awesome shit, and give away money to the most awesome idea.

That brings me to tonight’s adventure. I became an “Awesomer” of the Awesome Shit Club. I presented my idea alongside 10 other Awesomers o the 16 Awesomites who voted on who was the awesomest and win the pot of funds. There were a LOT of awesome ideas and all pretty diverse in topics and fields.

Long story short – I didn’t win. But sometimes it’s not the intended prize that makes an experience worthwhile. It’s the connections and networking that further an idea to bring it to a reality. I walked away with two contacts interested in helping make the crazy talk of a few single moms into a reality. Because of them, I feel I won.

Cause for concer?

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For the last year I've been fighting X's perception that I'm a cold and heartless bitch.  Normal considering I left him.  But more recently I've noticed that his delusions run deeper than just me but now involve B.

Last Tuesday I went to pick up B and as he ran out to the car he tripped.  What was unusual about this was B’s reaction.  He began crying but not his “I’m hurt” cry.  When I tried to comfort him he ran around the corner of the house and leaned against the house covering his face.  Neither X nor myself seemed able to console B.  I took this as B being embarrassed by tripping and falling.  X took this as B being mad that B had to go home and couldn’t play with X any more.  Really?

At first I shrugged off the incident as another example of X thinking everything was about him.  But this morning I drop B off ten minutes early.  I tell X that B has been asking for him for about an hour – which was true.  X scoffed as if I were lying. 

Now I know how much X hates being early and have many times been treated negatively for being five minutes early without notice but seriously!  I have never been dishonest to X.  He has no reason to distrust me and furthermore, I would NEVER use my child as an excuse.

Am I overreacting?  I know I’m very protective of B and concerned how the divorce has and will affect him but am I being too protective?  Or is there a legitimate cause for concern?

A Pleasant Surprise

This week I have been battling a cold.  Never fun.  Then consider I'm a single mom with a high energy toddler.  Double whammy.  But SURPRISE!  B yet again through me for a loop.  He tossed a balloon at me.

I was simply minding my own business, sitting in my rocker watching B play, struggling to make it to that precious moment when the night time ritual begins and it would be closer to bedtime - for both B and me, when B tossed a balloon at me.  As the balloon bounced off my startled face B tried to catch it but fell over.  B giggled.  I laughed.  Again B tossed the balloon at me and a random game of catch began.

As I admired B's success at getting Mama to play despite feeling like total crap I also chuckled as B put so much energy into attempting to catch the balloon with both arms that he'd lose his balance every time, fall over and burst into laughter only to try again.  Truly proves the theory that learning through play works.  B was having too much fun to notice his struggle with actually catching the balloon.

These are the moments that make me cherish beiing a parent.  Melts away all the struggles that come with parenthood.

 

Is it REALLY the thought that counts?

At the risk of sounding ungrateful - I've got to say the unexpected gift card from X is a bit frustrating.  Frustrating because while I'm struggling to make ends meet without any child support I get a Starbucks gift card.

Now for those that don't know me, I LOVE coffee.  I spend many hours in coffee shops.  The fact that X got a Starbucks gift card shows he does know at least one thing about me.  But somehow holding on to "it's the thought that counts" doesn't shake my frustration.

What X has failed to notice is the fact that B is back in cloth diapers rather than training pants.  At a time when we're actually making headway on potty training and right after I asked X to buy training pants rather than diapers (he refuses to use cloth).  Problem is I don't have enough money to buy training pants right now.  I even tried to exchange some duplicate videos B received at Christmas for training pants but couldn't cover the difference.  I left the store near tears.

How did I get this poor? A series of unfortunate events.  A massive fear being homeless with a two year old while BC Housing found me a home in subsidized housing.  Almost half my salary goes to keep a roof over our heads.  Being under employed. I've been trying to find full time employment but unfortunately there isn't much option in this town for a paralegal.  I thought of moving to another city where I could find better employment but I can't afford to move.  The possibility of getting another part time job is limited by the odd hours I currently work and a custody schedule that leaves me little time without B.

Maybe I just need to escape my stresses and go enjoy a nice latte...at least it'll be free.

Trying to Find the Silver Lining

Maybe its the rain.  Or maybe its the double standard.  Either way, today I'm having trouble finding the positive in my world.

I woke to a text message from X stating he fell at work and hurt his back and therefore doesn't want to pick up B from daycare as planned.  Before you think "what a bitch" for grumbling about this please note that I pulled a muscle in my back on New Year's Eve and have been in pain ever since.  It's very difficult to heal a sore back with a toddler that still likes to be carried. 

While I would normally let the boy have a tantrum this week it's been raining and I'd rather not have my child rolling around on the cold wet ground even if it means furthering my pain.

Now don't get me wrong, I feel for X.  I do hope his back gets better quickly.  I just wish that I had someone to take B when I was hurting in order to shorten the time it takes for me to heal.

Yes I chose this life.  I chose to leave X and be a single parent.  Despite the physical pain I feel today it was still the best decision for both B and myself.  All the struggles, all the pain are worth the increased overall happiness.  Life isn't perfect.  It never will be.  But sometimes it's just too much for me to find the silver lining.

Hopefully my mood is just from the rain.  Hopefully the sun will come out today.  It's Thursday and for some crazy reason the sun usually comes out on Thursday afternoons right about the time my boss tees up for a round of golf.

Help from Afar Thanks to Twitter

The other night I was out for coffee with a friend, whom I met from Twitter.  We were discussing the marvels of Twitter and I shared a story which he encouraged me to write and share with all of you.  So here it goes...

As mentioned before I am a single mom.  What I have not necessarily mentioned are the various issues my little guy has faced in his two years of life.  Not only did he have colic but he also had infant reflux and night terrors.

Even before I left my marriage I was often left home alone at nights because B's dad has always worked nights.  This meant that when night terror episodes occurred I was pretty much on my own.

For those that don't know about sleep terrors - it is a condition in which transitioning from one level of sleep into a deeper sleep is difficult.  This causes one to scream as if trapped in a nightmare and unable to wake up.  Much like sleep walking there is not much that can be done.

After nearly six months of sleep terror free nights B had a relapse.  Here's where Twitter saved the day.  I tweeted a cry for help and put a hashtag to help spread the word in twitterverse beyond my regular followers.  Less than 24 hours later Sue Atkins (@SueAtkins) of Positive-Parents.com responded.  She sent me a link to an article she wrote about sleep terrors and said if I needed further help to let her know.

Sue Atkins is "passionate about making life with children easier and more rewarding, and am extremely enthusiastic about helping to bring up happy, confident, well-balanced adults; today's children - tomorrow's future".  Her credentials include regular radio spots with the BBC.  Yes  Sue Atkins is in the UK.  I'm in Canada.  We could only have connected so quickly through Twitter.  She had a breathing technique that I had never heard of before despite my diligent research into the condition.  The next episode I tried it.  It worked.  Simply hugging my little guy and breathing calmly and deeply he was able to slip into a deeper sleep and stop screaming.

If I ever make it over to the UK I hope to have a tweetup with Sue Atkins.  Just one tweet impacted my life, my ability to cope and parent profoundly.

Lest We Forget

I don't often talk about this but for some reason this year I feel I need to share...

Remembrance Day is a weird day for me.  I am second generation Canadian.  My Opa comes from Germany.  My Oma comes from Poland. The stories of their lives have instilled a deep appreciation for democracy that began in high school.

When I was in high school I had to do a project on Germany.  To help me with my project, he decided to break his silence of what it was like growing up in communist Germany ,as it then was.  That conversation forever changed my perspective on freedom, democracy and how lucky I am to be Canadian.

My Opa didn't have a choice to fight in the war.  Nor did he agree with what was going on.  But in a communist country you can't speak out against leadership.  For this reason my Opa says he was grateful for being a POW in Siberia.  He didn't have to fight a war he didn't believe in.  When the opportunity presented himself he came to Canada.

My Oma's story is much more intense and for that reason I have been unable to listen to the memoirs she recorded in their entirety.  The mere fact that her family had to hide out during the war for safety is a concept I cannot even begin to fathom.

Because I am Canadian, I don't have to worry about hiding for safety or being forced to fight a war I don't agree in.  Our troops choose to protect our country, protect our freedom and protect our privilege of democracy.  It is a job I could never do.

It irritates me that people forget that despite being involved in war, Canada does not declare war on other countries.  We are a country know for being peacekeepers.  From what I know, we attempt to help other countries, often in an attempt to bring democracy to already devastated countries.

I am all for peace.  I truly wish that we didn't need our troops.  A world that lived in peace and harmony would be a delightful utopia.  Unfortunately I doubt we will ever see that.

The good thing is that we live in a democracy.  When we disagree with our Prime Minister about when and where our troops go we can speak out.  So instead of using Remembrance Day to promote a desire for peace and hatred for war remember this - it's about our veterans and our troops and the sacrifices they made and continue to make in a pursuit of peace.  

To use November 11 for anything other than taking a moment to remember and respect our veterans and troops, in my opinion, is utterly disrespectful.

Epitome of Frustration...

As I write this blog I am on hold waiting for a Telus customer service agent to answer the phone so I can disconnect service I never even received.

It all started about three weeks ago when I called Telus for internet service.  They said they'd mail me out a modem and the installation instructions would be inside.  When the modem arrived I could not get service.  I called the help desk, went through 20 minutes of troubleshooting only to be told that all the "profiles" in their system may not be set up yet as they had until midnight that night to set it all up. Fail #1 - could have saved me 20 minutes by telling me this before troubleshooting.

Next day I call back because I still don't have service.  What was worse, the customer service agent had severe issues with his headset so I was only getting every other word or absolute silence before being told he'd call back in 30 mins.  Fail #2 - if agents don't have good equipment how can I trust their internet service?

Customer service agent called back in 10 when I was trying to get some dinner together for my kid.  I asked him to call back when he said he would - in another 20 mins; he agreed.  No call. Fail #3 - call when you say you're going to call.

I again call back to sort out the issue.  Again I am put through the troubleshooting only this time at the end I'm told they need to have a tech come out and the earliest is Sunday (this call was made on a Thursday) with a time frame of 8 am to 5 pm or Thanksgiving Monday between 1 pm and 5 pm.  Opted for Sunday. Fail #4 - if you don't regularly have techs go out to set up service ensure you can have techs come out quicker than 72 hours after service was supposed to be started.

Lucky for me the tech came early on Sunday and my day wasn't completely ruined.  The house had to be re-wired, not surprising as it is over 100 years old.  The tech left with all four sacred lights lit up on the modem and said if I can't get online the help desk can take it from there. Fail #5 - why can't the tech sent to my house ensure that the internet is working properly?

Sure enough, no access to the internet.  Yet another call to tech support.  More troubleshooting.  This time network support needs to look into things and get back to me within 24 hours.  Seriously? Yes, and by the way, you will need to call customer service once your service if fixed to get the proper credits.  You're kidding right? No. Let me talk to a manager...Fail #6 - have a system where the customer doesn't have to be on hold JUST to tell them that they FINALLY are getting the services they ordered.  Suggestion - tech support call customer service for them or better yet, be able to access the same system and doc the account themselves!

OK, we should be in the final stretch here.  Should be.  Network support calls and says that due to system upgrades not all troubleshooting tools are available but they suspect my modem may be faulty.  Oddly, this is when the modem crapped out completely and none of the sacred four green lights were lit up.  Even the power indicator light went to red.  I was then told to call back tomorrow if the modem is still not working and have a new one mailed out.  I give up on counting the fails...

I call back the next day and cut to the chase - I want a new modem.  Took 10 minutes to convince the help desk dude to send out another modem but after talking to network support he all of the sudden believed that all my problems would be fixed.

A few days respite from the annoyance of Telus.  Then the new modem arrived.  Plugged it in.  All four sacred lights.  No internet access.  Reboot computer.  No internet access.  Reboot modem.  No internet access. Sigh.  Reluctantly call help desk.

I explain everything I've checked now that I'm down with the whole troubleshooting routine.  Funny thing - I could hear the agent going over his list to see if I missed anything, then she says she's going to contact network support to check things on their end.  But wait, network support are not taking calls right now and will have to call me back in the next 24 hours.  SERIOUSLY???

This is where I lost it.  I said have them call me but in the meantime I am calling Shaw and whomever gets my internet access up and running first gets my business.  I was told I'd get a call back within 24 hours.  That was Thursday night.  Today is Monday and I still have not received a call back but I did receive a third modem.

I wish it ended here but I have been on hold with Telus for the second time today to cancel my service.  The first time I waited 35 minutes before giving up.  I have now been on hold for over an hour and Telus Customer Care has closed.

Living on the cheap.

So I make approximately $2,000 per month. I work part-time. Originally it was by choice however now it's more due to lack of better employment in my field in my town.

My reality is that 40% of my monthly income goes to rent; 30% to minimum payments towards debt; and then I still have car insurance, gas, health insurance, phone, food, clothing and recreation to pay for.  The amount left for food, clothing and recreation is a whopping 12%.

So how do I do it?  I have a few tricks.  First one being "Bread Days" many of the bakeries around town donate their day old bread to the community centres.  I know of a few places (almost one for each day of the week) where I can get a free loaf of bread and sometimes buns.  Second big one is the Good Food Box - produce on the cheap.  I've learned that this program is also in other places in BC and beyond.  That means I still need to fill my meat & protein as well as my dairy categories to obtain food from the four food groups (as well as supplement the other groups).

But that still leaves clothing and recreation.  Well, lets tackle recreation first.  I have a toddler, he likes the park, I like the beach, sometimes we go to the park and sometimes we go to the beach and sometimes we just stay home and play.  On rainy days I first check VictoriaStroller.ca to see if there are any free or cheap activities going on and other times we go to the mall and B runs around.  

I also am lucky enough to live in Victoria which offers the Regional Rec Pass (get it while you can it may only be a 2010 offer).  For about $40/month I have drop in access to all the rec centres in the Greater Victoria area.  B and I often going swimming.  I will soon brave the ice for some skating (it's been at least 10 years since the last time I went skating).

As for clothing, well much of B's clothing has come from Victoria Freecycle which is a Yahoo! Group.  I watch it like a hawk to try and get clothes for B.  So far we've been well taken care of.  We also use cloth diapers which is cheaper than disposables.  However we are venturing into potty training.  Training pants are not cheap but the closest dollar store has underwear in his little bum size two pairs for $1.25!  Now if only he'd sit on the potty....

As for myself, so far I've not needed any clothes since hitting these super tight times about 8 months ago.  However I have always been a thrifty shopper.  I also am able to sew, knit & crochet which comes in handy.  My friend Katy has also got me back into recycling clothes into new things - pants to skirts, t-shirts to skirts.  I've even turned some of B's onesies into t-shirts because he's tall and skinny making a 18 month old onesie too short to be done up but a great t-shirt!

The hard part though is the unexpected expenses which ALWAYS seem to come up.  To survive those it becomes a challenge of taking in returnables for deposits, selling off stuff no longer needed or heading to the food bank to free up grocery money.

So that's my start on shedding my financial fumblings with the world in hopes that my tricks may help others find more money in their pocket.

If you don't have anything nice to say...

Recently I joined a parenting group at my church.  We meet once a week while B is enjoying the mid-week kid's program rather than all the parents leaving only to come back an hour and a half later to pick up their kid.  We discuss pressing issues with raising children and offer support to each other at our various stages of life, parenting and faith.

I had mentioned my thinning patience at B's numerous tantrums. One of the suggestions given was to offer B options rather than making demands.  The example given was "Do you want to leave in 10 minutes or 5 minutes" but B isn't that advanced at age 2.  


Instead I tried this - I'd think of two or three activities I was willing to let B partake in and ask, "Do you want to go swimming?"  If he said yes, we would go swimming, if he said no I'd ask about another activity.  Sometimes he would say no to everything and I would then fall back on my "let's do ___" and B would generally follow, even if he previously said no to the activity.  Despite my skepticism it worked.

Then a new problem arose.  An unwanted comment from another parent.  I was asked "who's the parent here?"  What?  I can't let my kid decide whether he wants to stop riding his bike to go swimming?  Makes no difference to me.  It's not like I'm asking whether he wants dinner or not.  There are still restrictions.

Sometimes as parents we need to ask our kids what they really want to do with their play time.  For weeks I had been struggling to get B to participate in his soccer practice.  He'd rather play on the playground or climb the rocks next to the field.  One week we went early.  I told B that he could play until soccer started.  B played on the playground; climbed the rocks and then when he saw his coach he joined her on the soccer field.  I learned that B didn't want to have to choose.  He wanted to do all three activities.  By the end I had one tired but really happy little boy.  All I had to do was give him more time do do it all.

Don't get me wrong.  I put my foot down when I need to.  Nap times. Bed times. Cleaning up messes.  Those are non-negotiable.  But what to do during play time?  Seriously.  That needs to be up to the kid as far as a parent is willing to facilitate.  When I don't want B to ride his bike, it just isn't an option I suggest.  If I don't feel like taking B to the pool I don't suggest swimming.  But asking whether he wants to play cars, puzzles, go for a walk, what harm is there in asking him what he feels like doing?

Whether anyone agrees with me or not, I can say this - my house has been a lot more peaceful since I've given options.  Well, except for those annoying singing toys people buy him...

What ever happened to holistic thinking?

Awhile ago I posted about a study that labeled parents "emotionally unavailable" if they let their child cry for more than one minute at bed time or in the night.

Yesterday I read a Twitter post that says not enough sleep at night increases a child's chance of being obese.

Forgive me for my simple thinking on this but doesn't everything I do or my child do during the day determine whether or not we are emotionally, mentally and physically healthy?

For almost a year I tried to get my son to fall asleep without me being in the bed with him.  I used various methods trying to prevent him from crying it out.  But finally I decided enough was enough.  The sleep deprivation had taken an excessive toll on my health and was affecting my ability to work.  Surly the love and attention B receives throughout the day would make up for the three nights it took him to learn that he was going to sleep in his own bed without Mommie.

And as for his increased chance of obesity - well, B has always been on the lower end of the scale for number of hours a baby/toddler should sleep according to doctors.  However this boy will literally run circles around me whenever possible.  He eats well, is highly active and oh, is at the lower end of the weight chart.  Yup, my kid needs to GAIN weight.

Bottom line for me, I'll take these studies declaring one thing evil with a grain of salt because I believe in a holistic approach of raising my son.  I encourage more parents to also take a holistic approach not just to child rearing but also to their own life.  Sometimes there isn't one thing causing the problem but a group of things.

The long awaited for...DAYCARE!

For the last eight months I have been longing for this day.  Some mothers dread this day but my circumstances are different.  

I went back to work when B was 6 months old.  While I was at work B's father looked after him.  This of course is where my fear began.  Some pretty awful things happened while B was in the care of his father.  Drank a bottle of infant Tylenol.  Third degree burns on his hands.  Hit in the head on a few occasions.

But beyond the safety issues X and I have different approaches to parenting.  Partly stemming from our different personalities and comfort zones.  I like taking B to playgroups, kindergym, etc. Get the boy interacting with other kids while running a muck and tiring himself out.  The bonus for me is that I can chat with some of the moms about mommy things while the kids have fun.  Aside: Fernwood playgroup was best because they served coffee.  X however is not as outgoing as me.  Not comfortable around a lot of people.  Playgroups almost seem to scare him, although he does take B to certain ones.

My excitement that B will regularly be interacting with the same kids, building friendships and learning new skills is heightened by the incredible daycare that he is going to and the fact that it's packed with neighbourhood kids.  What more could a mother ask for?  Truly, I was blown away by the set up of the daycare and the type of activities that the kids go to.  B will thoroughly enjoy this.

Although I had no doubts that B would embrace daycare, he proved it at the "Hello/Goodbye" BBQ last week.  This is an annual event put on by the daycare for the parents to meet the new kids coming in and their parents and say good-bye to the kids moving on.  B instantly made a new friend on the playground by climbing up a curved ladder (a task that scared me) which caused the other boy to climb up the ladder too.  As the parents stood on the sideline poised ready to assist if needed we discovered we live around the corner from each other.

All in all, today is a day I can breathe a little sigh of relief and look on with great anticipation as to what this new adventure will bring for B.  Next milestone  - moving from the church nursery to Sunday School.  God bless the teachers at GT!

The truth hurts, but will set you free.

I had the unfortunate experience this weekend of realizing someone I thought was a friend truly wasn't.  It all started with not being invited to a birthday party.  Seems pretty trivial.  But it wasn't the exclusion.  What hurt was the misunderstanding.

When I questioned whether there was anything happening for the child's birthday I was led to believe that it was a family only event.  Fair enough.  But then right after my conversation and right in front of me, she confirmed the intended attendance of another parent to her son's birthday.  Weird.  Then later that same morning another comment was made that confirmed that I was in fact not invited to her son's birthday party.

I tried to let it go.  I tried to pawn it off to 'we've grown apart'.  But I could not help being annoyed by the fact that I was lied to.  So I messaged her about how I felt.

What I thought had been "growing apart" had actually been her purposely distancing herself from me because of my negativity.  Something that she points out started after my separation from X.  You think?

I can't and won't apologize for being negative over the last nine months.  I left an abusive relationship; endured a disappointing child abuse investigation; continue to fear for the safety of my child while in the care of his father; am barely making ends meet and unable to find a better paying job in this town.

The decisions that I have had to make over the past year are ones that I honestly would not wish upon anyone.  Unfortunately, many women do face these decisions daily.  And what's even sadder is women everywhere make even harder decisions.

Yes it hurt that this person, who I thought was a friend, ended up not being a friend but it is freeing to know that I no longer need to spend time and energy trying to keep in touch with her.  I am relieved to know that while we had good times together, those good times are over.

I have met a number of people lately that appreciate the tough times I'm going through.  It is the tough times that truly define us and the relationships with those around us.  True friends are hard to find but I'm confident there are more people out there who will become a true friend to my family.

Emotional Availability, Infant Sleep and the Single Mom

The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts and feelings prompted by the following article:

Emotional Availability and Infant Sleep

As hard as it was for me to read all of @phdinparenting's comments on Dr. Teti's study I read the whole thing. I hold a lot of respect for @phdinparenting and therefore wanted to ensure I got the whole story.  Glad I did.

First off, it was a difficult read because of a difference in opinion to the cry it out method of sleep training. We're not paradoxically different in opinion. I can honestly say that letting my child cry it out was not the approach I wanted to use.  The difference is a fine point. I used the cry out method because I could not be emotionally available to my toddler throughout the day without adequate sleep. My impression is that @phdinparenting believes the cry it out method should not be used even as a last resort.

As stated above it was not the approach I wanted to take.  I tried many times but could not tolerate my child's tears.  However, I decided it was better to be emotionally available as much as I could during the day by establishing a more reasonable bedtime at any cost.

Prior to going with the cry it out method my son co-slept in my bed but was wide awake until 10 PM which meant I could not sleep until 10 PM.  He would then wake around 5:30 AM ready for the day. I tried hard to get him to sleep earlier with no luck.  Bewildered and exhausted I let my 22 month old cry it out for no longer than 10 minutes without checking on him and made sure he had lots of hugs and kisses before tucking him in and reassuring him I was just in the next room.

On the flipside, even before I separated from my ex, he allowed B to have 2-3 hour naps despite my pleas for help and speculation that the longer naps were contributing to later bed times.  He would also not follow a set schedule in order to have reasonably timed naps.  B often slept until 4 PM making it near impossible for him to sleep earlier than 10 PM.  B's father worked nights and was rarely home at bedtime.

Secondly, it was difficult because of my situation. After a bit of discussion with @phdinparenting regarding my reactions to her comments we did agree that we could not be the mothers we want to be without the help of someone to turn to.  This is where my sadness deepened. That "someone to turn to" didn't exist for me. I never set out to be a single mom. There are few who honestly do. Unfortunately we don't know if we are able to handle the stress of parenting until we try.

I won't reiterate my reasons for separating from B's father; just read my previous post "What does it take?" if you want to know.

I will say this, if the emotional needs of one are not met yet they continue to try to meet the emotional needs of others, they will burn out.  To put it in the context of emotional availability and parenting, a parent needs someone to meet their emotional needs as much as they are meeting their child's emotional needs.  This is why I believe in the theory of "it takes a village to raise a child". However, I'm stuck in a nightmare of no one being able to meet my emotional needs as much as I give to my son.  This leaves me physically, mentally and emotionally drained on almost a daily basis.

Personally I do not believe that it is necessarily important that a mother's emotional needs be met by the father's and vice versa.  In a loving marriage that is ideal. But when faced with a not so loving marriage or no marriage at all a mother's emotional needs can be met by family or friends.

Now here's my real heartache.  What does a mother do when she has no family to turn to and no friends that can be relied upon for assistance?  I wish I had the answer.

Some of my needs are met from church and my strong faith in God but when it comes down to figuring out this whole parenting thing, I'm a bit at a loss.  Most of my mom friends do not work during the day and reserve their evenings for their family. Understandable. But there is a real lack of opportunity for single parents to seek out other single parents to bond with, share our woes with and help each other out.  There also seems to be a real difference of perception in where the "village" starts and ends.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe our society has become accustomed to meaningless offers of help. But I quickly grew tired of asking for help and being turned down or out right ignored from people who said "if there's anything we can do to help we're here for you".

Understand that I do have friends, just none close enough or available enough to physically help with the raising of my son in ways such as babysitting.  They help by doing their best to encourage me and keep me thinking positively

The third reason it was difficult to read about this infant sleep study was because of the notion put forward that crying it out caused poor sleep.  Hard for me to accept this theory knowing that my son did not sleep through the night until I let him cry it out. Prior to the awful night of my baby boy's tears, he would wake 2-3 times a night.  At first he woke just as often as he did while co-sleeping and I got up in the night to tuck him back into bed. After the tears stopped at bed time I noticed the wakings occurred less.  After about a week of getting up and tucking him back into bed, offering water only to have it rejected, checking a dry diaper, I started letting him cry it out a bit, never going longer than ten minutes and always being attentive to the type of cry (i.e. pain, fear, etc).  After about another week the night wakings completely stopped.  We both have been sleeping through the night ever since, okay, I don't but that's an entirely different issue.

What shocked me was the examples cited by @phdinparenting from the study:

Differences between mothers in EA become evident in the following descriptions, taken directly from our videorecordings. One mother, rated high on EA, directed quiet and gentle vocalizations to her 6-month-old infant while breastfeeding. She continuously gazed at the infant’s face and, whenever the infant vocalized, she responded promptly (e.g., “It’s OK.”). When necessary, the mother adjusted the infant’s position for easier access to the breast, and hugged and patted the infant’s back to burp the infant following nursing before putting the infant down to sleep. Another mother highly rated on EA responded to her 24-month-old’s questions during book reading with explanation and reassurance. When the book was finished, the mother said a brief prayer, caressed her child’s head, kissed and hugged her, then spoke softly to her, and sung to her. She then handed a soft toy to the child, tucked the child into bed, and left the room. 


Low EA, by contrast, is exemplified by another mother, who used stern directives with her 24-month-old during book reading whenever the child got up out of bed, and at one point physically pulled the child back to her. This mother continually attempted to engage the child in the book despite clear signs that the child was losing interest (e.g., child was fidgety and continually turned his attention elsewhere). The child continued to squirm in bed after the book reading was finished and was having trouble settling down to sleep. The mother repeatedly directed the child to lie down and close his eyes, threatening to take his toys away if he does not settle down. At the same time, she asked for hugs and kisses from him, to which he did not comply. The child got up and left the room four times before he eventually fell asleep.

My approach fell somewhere in the middle of these two examples. We followed our regular bed time routine, always aware of B's interest in the various aspects of our routine, had our cuddles but then I left prior to B falling asleep.  Still attentive to his needs but also firm in him needing to learn to sleep on his own.

So when all is said and done, do I agree with the study.  No. However I think it is an area of parenting that requires further study.  Parents need to know the pros and cons of the decisions they make in order to make the most informed decisions possible. I also think that people in general need to be emotionally available to each other to ensure parents are more emotionally available for their children.

Finally, we cannot always be the parents we want to be.  All we can do is strive to be the best we can be.  For me, that's ensuring I'm properly cared for so that I can properly care for my child. Being emotionally available is only one aspect of caring for my beautiful boy.