Is it REALLY the thought that counts?

At the risk of sounding ungrateful - I've got to say the unexpected gift card from X is a bit frustrating.  Frustrating because while I'm struggling to make ends meet without any child support I get a Starbucks gift card.

Now for those that don't know me, I LOVE coffee.  I spend many hours in coffee shops.  The fact that X got a Starbucks gift card shows he does know at least one thing about me.  But somehow holding on to "it's the thought that counts" doesn't shake my frustration.

What X has failed to notice is the fact that B is back in cloth diapers rather than training pants.  At a time when we're actually making headway on potty training and right after I asked X to buy training pants rather than diapers (he refuses to use cloth).  Problem is I don't have enough money to buy training pants right now.  I even tried to exchange some duplicate videos B received at Christmas for training pants but couldn't cover the difference.  I left the store near tears.

How did I get this poor? A series of unfortunate events.  A massive fear being homeless with a two year old while BC Housing found me a home in subsidized housing.  Almost half my salary goes to keep a roof over our heads.  Being under employed. I've been trying to find full time employment but unfortunately there isn't much option in this town for a paralegal.  I thought of moving to another city where I could find better employment but I can't afford to move.  The possibility of getting another part time job is limited by the odd hours I currently work and a custody schedule that leaves me little time without B.

Maybe I just need to escape my stresses and go enjoy a nice latte...at least it'll be free.

Trying to Find the Silver Lining

Maybe its the rain.  Or maybe its the double standard.  Either way, today I'm having trouble finding the positive in my world.

I woke to a text message from X stating he fell at work and hurt his back and therefore doesn't want to pick up B from daycare as planned.  Before you think "what a bitch" for grumbling about this please note that I pulled a muscle in my back on New Year's Eve and have been in pain ever since.  It's very difficult to heal a sore back with a toddler that still likes to be carried. 

While I would normally let the boy have a tantrum this week it's been raining and I'd rather not have my child rolling around on the cold wet ground even if it means furthering my pain.

Now don't get me wrong, I feel for X.  I do hope his back gets better quickly.  I just wish that I had someone to take B when I was hurting in order to shorten the time it takes for me to heal.

Yes I chose this life.  I chose to leave X and be a single parent.  Despite the physical pain I feel today it was still the best decision for both B and myself.  All the struggles, all the pain are worth the increased overall happiness.  Life isn't perfect.  It never will be.  But sometimes it's just too much for me to find the silver lining.

Hopefully my mood is just from the rain.  Hopefully the sun will come out today.  It's Thursday and for some crazy reason the sun usually comes out on Thursday afternoons right about the time my boss tees up for a round of golf.