Emotional Availability, Infant Sleep and the Single Mom

The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts and feelings prompted by the following article:

Emotional Availability and Infant Sleep

As hard as it was for me to read all of @phdinparenting's comments on Dr. Teti's study I read the whole thing. I hold a lot of respect for @phdinparenting and therefore wanted to ensure I got the whole story.  Glad I did.

First off, it was a difficult read because of a difference in opinion to the cry it out method of sleep training. We're not paradoxically different in opinion. I can honestly say that letting my child cry it out was not the approach I wanted to use.  The difference is a fine point. I used the cry out method because I could not be emotionally available to my toddler throughout the day without adequate sleep. My impression is that @phdinparenting believes the cry it out method should not be used even as a last resort.

As stated above it was not the approach I wanted to take.  I tried many times but could not tolerate my child's tears.  However, I decided it was better to be emotionally available as much as I could during the day by establishing a more reasonable bedtime at any cost.

Prior to going with the cry it out method my son co-slept in my bed but was wide awake until 10 PM which meant I could not sleep until 10 PM.  He would then wake around 5:30 AM ready for the day. I tried hard to get him to sleep earlier with no luck.  Bewildered and exhausted I let my 22 month old cry it out for no longer than 10 minutes without checking on him and made sure he had lots of hugs and kisses before tucking him in and reassuring him I was just in the next room.

On the flipside, even before I separated from my ex, he allowed B to have 2-3 hour naps despite my pleas for help and speculation that the longer naps were contributing to later bed times.  He would also not follow a set schedule in order to have reasonably timed naps.  B often slept until 4 PM making it near impossible for him to sleep earlier than 10 PM.  B's father worked nights and was rarely home at bedtime.

Secondly, it was difficult because of my situation. After a bit of discussion with @phdinparenting regarding my reactions to her comments we did agree that we could not be the mothers we want to be without the help of someone to turn to.  This is where my sadness deepened. That "someone to turn to" didn't exist for me. I never set out to be a single mom. There are few who honestly do. Unfortunately we don't know if we are able to handle the stress of parenting until we try.

I won't reiterate my reasons for separating from B's father; just read my previous post "What does it take?" if you want to know.

I will say this, if the emotional needs of one are not met yet they continue to try to meet the emotional needs of others, they will burn out.  To put it in the context of emotional availability and parenting, a parent needs someone to meet their emotional needs as much as they are meeting their child's emotional needs.  This is why I believe in the theory of "it takes a village to raise a child". However, I'm stuck in a nightmare of no one being able to meet my emotional needs as much as I give to my son.  This leaves me physically, mentally and emotionally drained on almost a daily basis.

Personally I do not believe that it is necessarily important that a mother's emotional needs be met by the father's and vice versa.  In a loving marriage that is ideal. But when faced with a not so loving marriage or no marriage at all a mother's emotional needs can be met by family or friends.

Now here's my real heartache.  What does a mother do when she has no family to turn to and no friends that can be relied upon for assistance?  I wish I had the answer.

Some of my needs are met from church and my strong faith in God but when it comes down to figuring out this whole parenting thing, I'm a bit at a loss.  Most of my mom friends do not work during the day and reserve their evenings for their family. Understandable. But there is a real lack of opportunity for single parents to seek out other single parents to bond with, share our woes with and help each other out.  There also seems to be a real difference of perception in where the "village" starts and ends.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe our society has become accustomed to meaningless offers of help. But I quickly grew tired of asking for help and being turned down or out right ignored from people who said "if there's anything we can do to help we're here for you".

Understand that I do have friends, just none close enough or available enough to physically help with the raising of my son in ways such as babysitting.  They help by doing their best to encourage me and keep me thinking positively

The third reason it was difficult to read about this infant sleep study was because of the notion put forward that crying it out caused poor sleep.  Hard for me to accept this theory knowing that my son did not sleep through the night until I let him cry it out. Prior to the awful night of my baby boy's tears, he would wake 2-3 times a night.  At first he woke just as often as he did while co-sleeping and I got up in the night to tuck him back into bed. After the tears stopped at bed time I noticed the wakings occurred less.  After about a week of getting up and tucking him back into bed, offering water only to have it rejected, checking a dry diaper, I started letting him cry it out a bit, never going longer than ten minutes and always being attentive to the type of cry (i.e. pain, fear, etc).  After about another week the night wakings completely stopped.  We both have been sleeping through the night ever since, okay, I don't but that's an entirely different issue.

What shocked me was the examples cited by @phdinparenting from the study:

Differences between mothers in EA become evident in the following descriptions, taken directly from our videorecordings. One mother, rated high on EA, directed quiet and gentle vocalizations to her 6-month-old infant while breastfeeding. She continuously gazed at the infant’s face and, whenever the infant vocalized, she responded promptly (e.g., “It’s OK.”). When necessary, the mother adjusted the infant’s position for easier access to the breast, and hugged and patted the infant’s back to burp the infant following nursing before putting the infant down to sleep. Another mother highly rated on EA responded to her 24-month-old’s questions during book reading with explanation and reassurance. When the book was finished, the mother said a brief prayer, caressed her child’s head, kissed and hugged her, then spoke softly to her, and sung to her. She then handed a soft toy to the child, tucked the child into bed, and left the room. 


Low EA, by contrast, is exemplified by another mother, who used stern directives with her 24-month-old during book reading whenever the child got up out of bed, and at one point physically pulled the child back to her. This mother continually attempted to engage the child in the book despite clear signs that the child was losing interest (e.g., child was fidgety and continually turned his attention elsewhere). The child continued to squirm in bed after the book reading was finished and was having trouble settling down to sleep. The mother repeatedly directed the child to lie down and close his eyes, threatening to take his toys away if he does not settle down. At the same time, she asked for hugs and kisses from him, to which he did not comply. The child got up and left the room four times before he eventually fell asleep.

My approach fell somewhere in the middle of these two examples. We followed our regular bed time routine, always aware of B's interest in the various aspects of our routine, had our cuddles but then I left prior to B falling asleep.  Still attentive to his needs but also firm in him needing to learn to sleep on his own.

So when all is said and done, do I agree with the study.  No. However I think it is an area of parenting that requires further study.  Parents need to know the pros and cons of the decisions they make in order to make the most informed decisions possible. I also think that people in general need to be emotionally available to each other to ensure parents are more emotionally available for their children.

Finally, we cannot always be the parents we want to be.  All we can do is strive to be the best we can be.  For me, that's ensuring I'm properly cared for so that I can properly care for my child. Being emotionally available is only one aspect of caring for my beautiful boy.

What does it take?

I left a horrible marriage last December.  Without going into the details I'll just say that there was a fair bit of verbal and emotional abuse.  Fast forward a few months and I'm fighting for custody of my one and only child without a lawyer.  This story is about how the system failed me.

I work part time.  Partly by choice, to spend time with my son, but partly because I have fibromyalgia and simply do not have the strength to work full time and raise my son.  So I opted to live as frugally as possible.  But when Legal Aid told me they couldn't help me because I made $60/month too much my frustration started.


I was advised of an appeal process due to being so close to the limit but unfortunately most of the financial documents were not in my possession.  My fault, not their's.  So I had to go to court on my own.  Not entirely difficult for me.  I go to court regularly but not family court and not up against a man that intimidated me and had a history of bullying me to get what he wanted when we were apparently in a "loving" marriage.

At court he had a fair argument for wanting joint custody rather than giving up parental rights.  Fine. I agree that he should be able to easily take my son to the doctor, clinic, ER, etc and have access to health and education records.  I countered with wanting the distinction of Primary Care-giver.  After all, my son lives with me, I teach him more life skills and have been the only one looking after clothing him since he was born.  No go.  After each of us discussing options with duty counsel that day we opted for mediation. Mistake No 1 on my part - should have moved to Family Case Conference; my own lawyer would have been helpful here.

During my intake interview with the mediator I was asked, "Do you have any concerns about your son's safety when with his father?" YES. I told her of the times his dad hit him in the head, how my son managed to drink a bottle of infant tylenol (that his father refused to move because I left it on the coffee table not him), the time I had to come home from work to take my son to the clinic half a block from our apartment after he fell on the baseboard heaters causing third degree burns on his hands.  His dad didn't think the burns required medical attention. The mediator responded "By law I have to report him to the Ministry."

Terrified I actually hid out after the social worker came to my house to advise that they received the complaint from the mediator and wanted to know more before contacting my son's dad.  Fair enough.  I told them what I told the mediator stressing that I FEARED this man as he has a temper and is prone to verbally abusive behaviour.  From that point until a few days later I refused to stay at home.  I screened all phone calls.  Last thing I wanted was to hear the fall out from being denied access to my son.

After things calmed down I had a second interview, more thorough interview with the social worker assigned to my case not just the after hours social worker.  She repeatedly told me that I was negligent in caring for my child by staying with my husband after the first hitting incident and that I should have left then.  That I endangered my son by trying to uphold my wedding vows. WTF?!?  So in an attempt to avoid being found guilty of neglect and child endangerment along with the fear of what my ex would do to me I tried to emphasize the other incidents rather than the hitting that worried me the most.

A few weeks later the social worker advised that the Ministry found my ex guilty of child abuse, had reported him to the police but was allowing unsupervised visits again because of compliance with the investigation.  All he had to do was REGISTER (not attend) a parenting course.  She also told me that the police would most likely NOT press charges based on the cooperative nature of the child abuser.


Great.  So now my ex can pull my son out of daycare whenever he wants, without telling me and I have to worry about his safety.  As if it's not hard enough to be a single mom I have a legitimate reason to check my son daily for unexplained bruising.  It's not even so much that I think my ex is still hitting my child.  It's that the lack of care and attention that caused the Tylenol & burn incident that scare me most.


What's worse is being back in court, without the promised letter from the social worker, without a lawyer and facing a man still furious for being labelled a child abuser by the Ministry.  Wanting to end my nightmare quickly as the stress is causing me fibromyalgia flare-ups I enter a Consent Order for daily access (he's not going to back down on this).  All I can do is hope nothing more happens to my son until his dad goes back to school and my beautiful, little boy is in a safe daycare.


This is why I feel betrayed by the system that is set up to protect my child. How much damage needs to be done before they'll care? How can I trust them the next time I suspect neglect and/or abuse?  How many more stories are there like mine?  Or even worse, how many abusers go undisciplined while good parents fight for their children back?