If you don't have anything nice to say...

Recently I joined a parenting group at my church.  We meet once a week while B is enjoying the mid-week kid's program rather than all the parents leaving only to come back an hour and a half later to pick up their kid.  We discuss pressing issues with raising children and offer support to each other at our various stages of life, parenting and faith.

I had mentioned my thinning patience at B's numerous tantrums. One of the suggestions given was to offer B options rather than making demands.  The example given was "Do you want to leave in 10 minutes or 5 minutes" but B isn't that advanced at age 2.  


Instead I tried this - I'd think of two or three activities I was willing to let B partake in and ask, "Do you want to go swimming?"  If he said yes, we would go swimming, if he said no I'd ask about another activity.  Sometimes he would say no to everything and I would then fall back on my "let's do ___" and B would generally follow, even if he previously said no to the activity.  Despite my skepticism it worked.

Then a new problem arose.  An unwanted comment from another parent.  I was asked "who's the parent here?"  What?  I can't let my kid decide whether he wants to stop riding his bike to go swimming?  Makes no difference to me.  It's not like I'm asking whether he wants dinner or not.  There are still restrictions.

Sometimes as parents we need to ask our kids what they really want to do with their play time.  For weeks I had been struggling to get B to participate in his soccer practice.  He'd rather play on the playground or climb the rocks next to the field.  One week we went early.  I told B that he could play until soccer started.  B played on the playground; climbed the rocks and then when he saw his coach he joined her on the soccer field.  I learned that B didn't want to have to choose.  He wanted to do all three activities.  By the end I had one tired but really happy little boy.  All I had to do was give him more time do do it all.

Don't get me wrong.  I put my foot down when I need to.  Nap times. Bed times. Cleaning up messes.  Those are non-negotiable.  But what to do during play time?  Seriously.  That needs to be up to the kid as far as a parent is willing to facilitate.  When I don't want B to ride his bike, it just isn't an option I suggest.  If I don't feel like taking B to the pool I don't suggest swimming.  But asking whether he wants to play cars, puzzles, go for a walk, what harm is there in asking him what he feels like doing?

Whether anyone agrees with me or not, I can say this - my house has been a lot more peaceful since I've given options.  Well, except for those annoying singing toys people buy him...

What ever happened to holistic thinking?

Awhile ago I posted about a study that labeled parents "emotionally unavailable" if they let their child cry for more than one minute at bed time or in the night.

Yesterday I read a Twitter post that says not enough sleep at night increases a child's chance of being obese.

Forgive me for my simple thinking on this but doesn't everything I do or my child do during the day determine whether or not we are emotionally, mentally and physically healthy?

For almost a year I tried to get my son to fall asleep without me being in the bed with him.  I used various methods trying to prevent him from crying it out.  But finally I decided enough was enough.  The sleep deprivation had taken an excessive toll on my health and was affecting my ability to work.  Surly the love and attention B receives throughout the day would make up for the three nights it took him to learn that he was going to sleep in his own bed without Mommie.

And as for his increased chance of obesity - well, B has always been on the lower end of the scale for number of hours a baby/toddler should sleep according to doctors.  However this boy will literally run circles around me whenever possible.  He eats well, is highly active and oh, is at the lower end of the weight chart.  Yup, my kid needs to GAIN weight.

Bottom line for me, I'll take these studies declaring one thing evil with a grain of salt because I believe in a holistic approach of raising my son.  I encourage more parents to also take a holistic approach not just to child rearing but also to their own life.  Sometimes there isn't one thing causing the problem but a group of things.